Perimenopause is Scary
I had no idea what I was in for
One of the scariest parts of perimenopause has been the long periods of time where I am not functional, either physically (because of pain or exhaustion) or mentally (because of pain or anxiety). It makes working and running a business feel very uncertain. It involves lots of time being unproductive even though I have things I should be doing. The “extra money” things are the ones that always come last. I can't imagine how much money I've lost due to being too tired to pursue these projects. I’ve always lived below my means and, because of that, if I am in a mental or physical fog for days at a time, I can still afford to live.
I don’t see myself getting a huge burst of energy after I actually enter menopause (12 years and counting of waiting). Maybe I’m wrong. But aging, in and of itself, brings continuous worry about health and financial wellness (the two being very intertwined).
If I didn’t purposely drive a practical (paid off) car and live in a less expensive apartment, I would not have been able to survive the last decade of my life - definitely not in a way that felt sustainable and, when possible, joyful. Also, I would not have been able to work an in-office job with the amount of time I didn’t feel well (and still don't). I am horrified to think about how other people navigate this period in their lives or any period of depression or illness.
And that’s on top of the general uncertainty of my industry.
During perimenopause, I've been through giant blood clots, migraines, excessive bleeding, depression, fatigue, and weight gain. It's been incredibly disruptive at a time that should've been the peak of my career. I just had no idea what was coming. Not a single person warned me about any of this. And, even if they had, I'm not sure how I would've or could've prepared.
It just started happening, and I've been gobsmacked ever since. I'm wondering if it will ever end or if this is the new normal. Gosh, I hope not. But after 12 years, it seems inevitable.
I just want to have the energy to create more income for myself. I have specific plans to do this but not enough energy hours in the day. (And they're even things I actually enjoy.) I drink some caffeine, take a protein supplement, and take a vitamin with B12. What are the other ways people get more energy?
It's sex, isn't it? I need to have more sex.
Whatever it is, I need to figure it out.
Facing the Reality of My Body
I have been fighting pretty hard to keep the body I was used to for many years. That body weighed between 140-150 pounds and had a distinctive waist.
All my clothes fit that body. And while I kept my size 10 clothes for a long time, I had size 12 for when I was feeling “fat.” Size 12 was eventually my normal size. And I was OK with that. I felt good being a size 12. I was a very proportional size 12. I still felt trim and shapely and had a healthy BMI.
My BMI is still healthy, but my new body does not have a waist. So, while my size 12 bottoms still fit me in almost every area, they do not fit my new waistless waist. I even lost a few pounds, but my waist does not seem to have shrunk. It must've come out of my ankles.
I know that I don't have the time or energy to reverse this and can only hope to maintain this new normal for as long as I maintained the old one. Fat gets more “sticky” as we age, and I can tell mine is “stuck” in my waist.
So, I'm gently going through my clothes to decide which ones will probably never fit me comfortably again. Some favorites, I might put into my under-bed storage “just in case” but I've purchased a few new bottoms that fit my current body and don't feel tight or uncomfortable.
I know other women are going through this, too. I've just always known how to dress to make myself look attractive and feel comfortable, and right now I'm struggling. My body doesn't feel the same, and it's a metamorphosis that is taking time to digest. I'm trying to go easy on myself and let go of feelings of insecurity. It's hard. It's hard to think one way your whole life and then try to think another way.
I do worry that I am giving my body permission to keep expanding… or at least removing the barriers that help convince it not to expand. One reason I like wearing jeans is that they restrict me with their heavy fabric and distinct shape. They remind me that I am a certain size. But now I am buying all stretchy bottoms. How will my body know the limits?
I want to be healthy and feel good about myself, but it's a process right now.
📋 Project Updates
Capitalism Prompt Journal
I'm fighting to have the time and energy to finish this. It's a great project and deserves my time.
I'm still hoping to have a copy printed by June 14th so I can critique the formatting.
House Buying Update
At least half of the houses I feel I could comfortably afford to own show up on the flood overlay map like this:
Most of the rest of them are cash only. (And sometimes the two overlap.)
A house came on the market yesterday that was a little out of my comfort zone in price but exactly what I've been looking for in almost every other way. I contacted my realtor about it within hours. We were supposed to look at it today but he had to move the showing to tomorrow. It is THE house. I’ve told many people that if I could’ve picked up my current apartment and plopped it down in New England, I’d already live there. Well, this house closely resembles my apartment inside. The walls and trim are the same color, the wood trim is similar, it feels open arms bright, and it has lovely wood floors. It feels meant to be. This is the first house I've seen that I could see myself living in until I die. It's perfect for me.
I’m going to do whatever I reasonably can to get this house. If I don't get it, I'll likely stop looking. Looking for houses is very emotionally draining and time sucking (kind of like dating, which I can only do for short periods at a time).
Please send all your positive energy my way toward getting this house in a sustainable way. (i.e. not having to make a ridiculous offer to get it)
Also, as always, I'll take any website referrals so I can pay for the house after I buy it! I especially love clients who hate their current web developer. My customer service skills mean clients stick with me for years… sometimes a decade or more. My best client leads are medium sized businesses and non-profits with WordPress websites.
⏰️ Currently
☀️ Working hard to be optimistic about the future
👭 Leaning on my friends for emotional support in this house buying process
🌌 Trusting in the Universe to show me the way