Humility

I am soaking in it

I didn’t want to write a newsletter this week because I am feeling depressed. But I don’t have the luxury to actually BE depressed (i.e., curl up on my bed for a week) because I can’t afford that financially. So, I have to be functionally depressed instead. In fact, I was talking to a girlfriend recently about this, and no matter how severely depressed she is, she gets up and goes to work every day because she’s terrified of losing her job. This is capitalism.

I am not sending out Christmas cards this year, so please don’t take it personally when you don't receive one. I’m only sending out cards to clients because everything has to be about business now. I am putting aside my writing for the indefinite future. I simply don’t have that luxury anymore right now.

I also don’t particularly feel like being “nice” right now. It sometimes takes a lot of effort to be patient and forgiving and understanding, and I think I’ve met my quota for the year. I’ve had two huge letdowns recently, and I just am feeling exhausted and don’t want to put any more effort in for the rest of the year. So, if I snap at you, please know that I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety right now.

Everyone’s finances are bound to get much worse under Trump, and mine just became very uncertain. I am feeling a lot of fear, sadness, and anxiety about my future.

I have many fears around money. I’ve lived paycheck to paycheck before, and it’s awful and stressful, and I know many people do it. It fills me with anxiety and makes me feel depressed, hopeless, and worthless. I have a fear of being back there and having a terrible quality of life. It’s one of the reasons I’m an activist. I don’t want anyone to live that way. But also, being an activist makes it more likely I’ll end up back there because… well, activism doesn’t pay, usually costs money, and often takes time away from work. While not engaging in much time-based activism right now, I do engage in money-based activism. Being a hopeless do-gooder is not very lucrative. I may die in a cold ditch because of it, but I guess there are worse ways to go.

When my current financial situation became more uncertain on Monday morning, I spent the day crying. I'm sure my downstairs neighbor was thrilled. Business has been slow because of changes in my industry, and it's been scary and discouraging. I had hope before Monday. I had a plan. Now I have no plan, and I've lost that hope. It will cost me at least $10,000 to move my stuff up north, replace some furniture, and pay 3x rent to start. Hell, that’s if anyone will even rent me an apartment given my self-employed status! There are certain things that are almost impossible for me to do because of my self-employed status. The greatest of them is getting a mortgage or any kind of large-scale financing. When I try, it makes me feel like a loser. They only care about the numbers on the page, not the reality of my situation. The old saying goes, “They won’t give me a $700 mortgage, so I guess I’ll keep paying my $1500 rent.”

I was going to call someone I know up north to ask his advice on building on my property in Troy, but I already know what he’s going to say: too much uncertainty about Trump’s policies. I don’t even know how I’ll move up north period right now, much less start an impossible building project that exists only in my imagination.

There is a chance that I may have to borrow money from a friend to get through the rest of this year now. I kept this space open in my work schedule for a project I had been led to expect. I wasn't looking for other projects because this was a big one that would take up a lot of my time. My schedule was open for it, as I'd been told over and over that it was coming.

Now, I am scrambling to get through this holiday month that I thought was going leave me feeling secure and moving in the direction of my goals.

Five days after finding out, my stomach still feels raw, and I'm struggling to find any optimism. I am worried that I am not going to be able to fix this.

One of my friends told me she’d never heard me this upset. I am someone who can go with the flow of most things and be gracious when people make mistakes or do things that others would find disrespectful or inconsiderate. I do not get upset often, but this is a huge deal to me. I am hurting both emotionally and financially.

I feel like I want to curl up inside myself and stay safely in that cocoon for a month. But I can't. I remember when my migraines were at their worst, and all I wanted to do was cry all the time. But I couldn't cry because crying would make my migraines worse. Imagine feeling depressed and isolated and forcing yourself not to cry because of the physical pain it will cause. It was honestly traumatizing. That's how I feel right now. I want to feel all of this sadness and really wallow in it a bit, but I can't because now I'm scrambling to pay my bills this month. Now, I have to try to scrape up as much work as possible at a time when most businesses aren't thinking about their website.

If I hadn't been convinced that this project was coming through right now and if I'd known my income would be in question in a few months, I 100% wouldn't have gone to Istanbul. So, I have the sting of that to marinate in.

I was already feeling rudderless in my industry, but I thought I had until the end of next year to figure it out. Now it seems urgent and stressful, and I frankly have no idea what to do. There is a chance I will lose a large portion of my monthly income in four months, and I don't have any idea how I'll replace it in that time period. If that is the case, I won't be able to cover my monthly bills by quite a lot. I had a plan to gracefully transition into a new life next year, but now it is not feeling so graceful.

I apologize that this email is depressing as fuck. With me, you get 85% joy and 15% other normal human emotions. Because nobody is joyful all the time. That's not healthy or normal.

I do not doubt that other people have the same fears and anxieties about money as me. I'm sorry if you do, as I wouldn't wish them on anyone. If you are feeling financially secure, I am incredibly happy for you. It takes so much stress out of life.

At the moment, I feel defeated, I have a migraine, and I don't have the patience for my cat's whining. I feel like a grumpy asshole, and I'm sorry for being a Debbie Downer to your week, but I'm here to keep it real.

If you know anyone who needs a kickass website, please send them my way. Here's my business website. I work with a lot of non-profits who have received grants, and I enjoy that experience. I'm also capable of more advanced functionality to really make your website do more work for your business. Plus, I'm fun to work with!

If you'd like to buy my book as a holiday gift, here's a link for that, too.

I hope your Sunday is filled with peace and hope.

Hugs, Elsie