Why I'm Camping, The Holiday Blues and People Pleasing

Motivation for Camping

There are lots of reasons why I’ve started camping, and one of them is definitely to prove I can.

I’m the baby of the family, and I was also a very sensitive child. Literally, the “baby” of the family. I can cite all kinds of reasons for that, but basically, my mom left when I was 10, and emotions were not something to be expressed in my family. And I wanted to express them, damnit.

My sensitivity left my family with the idea that I was weak and fragile, but there were many things I didn’t do simply because I didn’t fucking want to. But they took my hesitation as a sign of weakness. At this point, we all know they were wrong since I’ve done some pretty ballsy things in my life. But there is still a little nagging part of me who feels like she has to prove how tough she is to others.

My ex once called me “fragile” because I got headaches. I was immediately triggered by the word “fragile” and got on his case about it. Him inferring that I was physically or emotionally weak felt like a huge stab in the chest. I don’t like to feel or appear weak. (Yes, I know, it’s normal for people to be strong sometimes and weak at other times. I still hate it!)

The three camping trips I’ve taken this year have been empowering for me. I’m not only proving to other people what I’m made of, but I’m proving it to myself. But now that I’ve proved it to myself, I’d really like to camp with at least one other person.

I’m proud of myself, though. I took the risk, and I’ve enjoyed a large percentage of my camping experiences. Being close to nature is very soothing for me. I put myself out there to a new experience and have embraced it. But it’s definitely not like staying in a hostel where you instantly have a bunch of new best friends to explore with. And it’s not like staying in a city where you get to feel the people energy all around you. Campers are a lot different than RVers, too. RVers are like, “It’s too cold out so I’m going to spend all my time in the RV.” Additionally, the layout of most campgrounds is that the “door side” of your RV faces the back of the RV next to you. So, by default, you don’t see the people next to you. Campers are different. Most of their camping space is outdoors, so you see more of them.

I did have a great experience with my camping neighbors this week (likely because my “camper” was open in the back, and we could see each other the whole time). I had brought a bunch of wood for fires, but when I arrived, there were no fire pits and none for rent at the camp store. I gave my wood to my neighbors, and they invited me over a few nights to sit by their fire. They were only around 60 years old and were preparing to retire. (I looked at them wistfully because of this.) Their trip to Santa Rosa Beach was to scope it out as a possible winter home. They were very interesting, and I enjoyed getting to know them. To top off how cool they were, they were traveling with two dogs and a cat.

Time will tell whether I continue to camp, whether I camp a lot with the trailer, or whether it’s a phase for a year or two and I sell the trailer. Maybe in the next few years I’ll feel more comfortable spending the money on a new vehicle and a pull-behind. It’s too soon to tell.

Topsail Hill Preserve State Park

This week, I was near Santa Rosa Beach in the panhandle of Florida. This park did not have many things to do compared to the others I visited. Even the 2-mile bike trail was partially closed because they were having a prescribed burn.

The lowlights are that I reserved a space next to what looked like a bathroom on the campsite map, but that bathroom was boarded up. The campsites in the area of my campsite had no privacy. They were clearly meant for big RV’s. Also, it was really cold at night, which wasn’t the campground’s fault, but it made this adventure a bit more difficult.

There’s a beach with protected sand dunes here, a bunch of prairie and a bike path. That’s it.

Highlight was a coffee shop that was warm that happened to have live music until 8:00 pm on one of the coldest nights. Also, it was very sunny while I was there, which wasn’t thanks to the campground, but it made this adventure a bit easier.

Enjoy these photos:

I’m so thankful I brought this heater! It kept my feet and legs warm while I sat in my comfy chair in my tent. Also, I love my new light setup! It’s so cheery.

I finally had to really use my window covers. They worked great, and I only used them on the side where my neighbor could see me. Because I don’t like to break down my bed for my drive home, I was thankful my new, big cooler fit on my passenger seat. It was tight, but it worked out great.

The last two nights, I actually closed my hatch to sleep because it was getting down to 42-43 degrees. On the very last night, I brought my heater inside my vehicle. I fished the cord in through the front window, which I left open only about a half inch. It made quite a difference.

Holiday Blues

Knowing that I can be two things at once, I’m simultaneously so grateful to the folks taking me in for the holidays and also missing my family in Vermont and Virginia. I have the ability to fly to one of those places, but it’s such a pain to do so. Each one requires a 3-4 hour round trip airport pickup by a family member. Or else I would have to rent a car, which feels like almost an equal pain. Some years I’m gung ho about it, but I just don’t feel like I have the energy despite how much I would like to see them. It’s really hard being the far away person who always has to do the traveling to see my family.

I hate, hate, hate being single for the holidays, and the thing I hate most of all is waking up in an empty house/apartment on Christmas morning. I can’t think of anything sadder or lonelier than that. Of course, I feel the same way about Sundays. I guess I just like waking up next to someone, which doesn’t seem like such an odd thing.

But the best Christmas is one where you wake up in a house with children because children embody the Christmas spirit and get so excited about it.

People Pleasing

People who “people please” usually think they are just an overly nice person, but that’s not really what people pleasing is. I’ve known people pleasers who are controlling, dishonest and/or unfaithful. The problem with people pleasing is that you cannot, in fact, please everyone. In order to please one person, you might be hurting another person. But, at the time, you only think about the one person in front of you you’re trying to please. The ramifications of your people pleasing often catch up with you later.

Also, at its heart, people pleasing is a form of manipulation. You think you’re just trying to be a nice person, but you’re really trying to manipulate people’s feelings so that they always regard you positively. This is an unrealistic expectation and is inauthentic.

The biggest problem with people pleasing is that you’re trying to please everyone but yourself. When I was a people pleaser in my 20’s, I tried so hard to please everyone else that I didn’t even know HOW to please myself. I didn’t know what I liked or what I wanted out of life. I only knew what I thought other people wanted. When I felt sad or frustrated, sometimes I didn’t even know why. My life wasn’t my own. I was living it for others, and they didn’t even want me to! That’s the biggest irony. People don’t want you to act this way. It is a compulsion inside of you that you project onto others.

People in any kind of relationship with each other (romantic, friendship, family, etc.) should want the other person to be themself. They should not want someone to agree with them all the time or act interested in something they’re not interested in. People pleasers feel responsible for everyone’s feelings. They come on too strong because they think giving people good feelings is their responsibility. (Or they might be trying to get something from the situation - whether consciously or unconsciously). Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting people to feel good when they’re around you, but people pleasers can take it too far. And while it can create strong connections (whether the people pleaser wants them or not), it usually ends up with others not really knowing the people pleaser and feeling confused about who they are (which is exactly how the people pleaser often feels about themself).

Bottom line: live for yourself. You will attract the right people if you just be yourself and stop feeling responsible for the way other people feel. Figure out who you are and what you want and let people love you for that. The right people will.

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Currently

Camping is very hard on the hands! I got a burn and all sorts of scratches from this week’s trip!

My camping is over for the year, and now I can start looking forward to my trip to Mexico in January.

I’m looking forward to all the holiday get-togethers I’ll be attending this month. I’ve got two parties, Christmas dinner and a breakfast with a visiting high school friend to look forward to.